People Pleasing

The Worst Thing You Can Do to Yourself

This month at work, we're engaging in a gratitude journal activity. Each day, we write down what we're most thankful for, either on the board for everyone to see or in the gratitude journals we've received. As part of this exercise, I've been jotting down random affirmations, thoughts about how the day makes me feel, or passing thoughts on my work desk calendar. This activity prompted me to reflect on how I respond to things directed at me.

I firmly believe in honesty, voicing my displeasure, and expressing my feelings. However, this response depends on the relationship I share with the person (a person I am dating usually gets an earful!). I dislike confrontations and prefer to keep things to myself if I think they might lead to tension and conflict. This aversion to dealing with negativity puts me in an uncomfortable position, as I end up suffering the most. I become unhappy and dread being around that person, striving to avoid them for as long as possible until I've processed whatever they've done to me. This recovery isn't swift; it takes me days. Yet, one of my best qualities is that once I overcome something, I genuinely move on. Not carrying emotional baggage for too long brings me tremendous peace.

My upbringing was influenced by a people pleaser—my mom. I've yet to encounter someone who lets people repeatedly walk all over her with the grace she possesses. In my 34 years on this planet, I've never witnessed my mom express anger toward anyone or convey her true feelings of displeasure. She's unfailingly polite and softly spoken, always seeking harmony and tranquillity. She can engage even with those who might be difficult and offer herself up as a sacrificial lamb. This compels me to fight her battles alongside her and for her. I often question why she is the way she is, so much so that I'm certain it must annoy her, although she'd never admit it, as that's just her nature—preferring to keep things to herself.

Life's challenges influence the way we react to situations. They can make us tougher and seemingly angrier. We find ourselves fighting back, even when it's unnecessary. I, too, was once a pushover and a people pleaser. To a certain extent, I still am, but I'm setting boundaries daily to change this tendency. Transitioning from being a people pleaser is incredibly challenging. Through challenges and growth, I've discovered a fighter within me who refuses to be trampled upon. It's liberating to stand up for myself, even though I often question whether my reactions are exaggerated—an inherent people-pleasing trait. My best friend from high school, who has known me since I was 12, never fails to remind me that I'm a people pleaser, particularly when I'm venting about something. I believe she does this to hold a mirror up to my behavior, urging me to choose what's better for myself. My new perspective and conclusion is that I'd rather be known as a spirited, assertive individual than a timid people pleaser.

Are you a people pleaser? Do people perceive you as helpful and kind?

A people pleaser is a person who:

• Struggles to decline requests.

• Confuses kindness with people-pleasing.

• Frequently takes on extra responsibilities, even when short on time.

• Often commits to plans, duties, or projects beyond their capacity.

• Avoids asserting their own needs, often claiming they're fine when they're not.

• Hesitates to disagree or voice genuine opinions.

• Goes along with things they're dissatisfied with to avoid conflicts.

• Feels compelled to appear friendly, nice, or cheerful always.

• Experiences anxiety about causing discomfort or standing up for themselves.

• Becomes stressed due to overwhelming commitments.

• Feels frustrated by a lack of time for themselves.

There's much to be said about the risks and origins of people-pleasing, which can vary among individuals. If you're someone who struggles with this behavior, it's important to reflect on why you are the way you are and ask yourself some probing questions. Examine whether it's tied to anxiety about fitting in, avoiding conflict, low self-esteem, cultural influences, benevolent sexism that promotes inequality, past traumas, or even a personality disorder.

How can you break the habit of people-pleasing? Here are some suggestions:

• Start small: Commit to meeting one need at a time.

• Take a moment: When someone makes a request, give yourself time to think before responding immediately.

• Set limits: When agreeing to something, establish a time limit or deadline, rather than letting others dictate the schedule.

• Block time: Reserve certain blocks of time in your day that are off-limits for new requests or plans.

• Practice saying "no": In many situations, there are tactful and empathetic ways to decline. Practicing these responses beforehand might be beneficial.

Unfortunately, this is a battle you must fight on your own. Even as a parent, you can't fight this battle for your child. While some parents might say "no" on behalf of their children, it isn't always effective, as they're not always around.

The journey to put yourself first lies within you.